I never…

I never want to be somebody’s yes man. What’s the point…?

The more I’m here, the more I’m beginning to believe that the greatest thing is to be your own boss. It might take more effort, self-sacrifice, ambition and drive than being under a superior, but I think it’s worth it.

It starts now.

this is becoming a blog

solely dedicated to my progress at work. Oops.

So, he looked at my desk a few nights ago and said, “*****. What a great person.”

I’m glad he thinks so because it’s bonus month (though I hear the company’s pretty stingy and taking the economy into account, I’m not expecting much).

I’ve been meaning to write more meaningful things here, but nothing heavy has happened in a while that’s worthy of sharing…

newsweek

S told me I was in Newsweek this morning, while we were getting our coffee. 

Hah… I pretended not to know because it really isn’t that big of a deal, and I could be replaced at any given moment.

I’m just going to enjoy this while it lasts, and work on 40C in between.

more confusion

He just called, and told K to say hi to me. 

Now, I’m just “J”. Hahaha.

one down, two to go

He just sent an email to S & K, something to this effect - 

“how is everything going? missin u all – hope you are taking care of ***** xP”

Yes, WITH the emoticon. 

I’ve been flavor of the week now, for a month. I wonder how long this is going to last… I think he thinks I’m his new pet or something. Not teacher’s pet, but literally, pet-pet. This tops him saying, “Big hug!” accompanied with a kissy face from the other day.

burned out

11-hour days this entire week, on top of the 3-hour commute has caused the random waterworks to start up again. Surprisingly, he gave me huge praise today, saying I have “great work ethic”, I’m “so right to be here”, and he never has to worry about me. However, this was after he reminded me of a little snafu yesterday – I started tearing up just because I really have gotten very little sleep, and also out of relief somewhat because I’ve become so subconsciously worried about being laid off. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to do everything flawlessly, stressing out at the tiniest mishaps because the culture of stringent perfection that surrounds me every day leaves me feeling inadequate and undervalued.

Well I guess for now, I’m content, just really exhausted. Japanese ramen and Coraline tonight with C makes this Friday that much sweeter.

who

It’s during arguments with him that I can see how selfish, self-absorbed, petty, immature and spiteful I can be and I hate it. I think the amount of self-hate I feel in those moments only worsens things.

I’d love to be the totally chill girl with the tomboy attitude, who lets things go easily, maintains a cool temper and shrugs things off. But I’m not, and I never will be. I will over-analyze every last detail to the death, and I do this is because I need to know the truth for myself and believe it before I can begin to move on at all.

Most of all, I need to believe that you love me as much as I love you, that you think about holding my waist as often as I miss nuzzling your cheek, that you anticipate time with me as much as I daydream about our future, that you would not know what to do if you ever lost me.

nightmares

The past two nights, my dreams have been filled with nightmares that all revolve around a vengeful Mother Nature. Two nights ago, I dreamt I was back in Cape Cod with the W girls, except the flat expanse of endless beach resembled the Bahamas. The girls were exploring the fine sand while I was (of course) taking pictures of a wall of sea-green tide. Somehow, it had swelled up to the size of a 3-story cliff, and without warning, began to crash down on all three of us. We survived it but the fear I felt as I realized in the dream that it was going to come down was overwhelming, and very, very real.

Then last night, I dreamt I was at home, except somehow our house had turned into a Southern-style ranch with a large front porch. The weather forecast had said it was going to rain, but I was looking towards the door where bright sunlight streamed through and felt confused. All of a sudden, it was as if someone shut off the sun – dark clouds rolled in, and strong gusts of wind began tearing down street lights, electrical wires, and the roof over the front porch. My parents and I watched in horror as I asked them what would happen if the roof ripped off, as it surely seemed that way from how the wind was attacking everything else around us.

I wonder what this all means.

i don’t run for NO ONE

Another attempt to flip things into the positive.

I hate that in a panic to find baby carrots for the boss, I find myself screaming expletive-laden exclamations in my head directed to PERFECTLY NICE PEOPLE who are just not in the same retarded rush that I’m in.

I know what I’m worth and I’m definitely not paid well enough to “run, or trot” (i’m given the prerogative? wonderful!) for such tedium.

Breathe in, breathe out.

daddy wants a new dress…?

Mom: Show your dad the dress I bought you.
Me: Daddy, look. Isn’t it pretty?
Dad: Ah, you are so lucky; I do not even have one beautiful dress.

I love my dad.