who

It’s during arguments with him that I can see how selfish, self-absorbed, petty, immature and spiteful I can be and I hate it. I think the amount of self-hate I feel in those moments only worsens things.

I’d love to be the totally chill girl with the tomboy attitude, who lets things go easily, maintains a cool temper and shrugs things off. But I’m not, and I never will be. I will over-analyze every last detail to the death, and I do this is because I need to know the truth for myself and believe it before I can begin to move on at all.

Most of all, I need to believe that you love me as much as I love you, that you think about holding my waist as often as I miss nuzzling your cheek, that you anticipate time with me as much as I daydream about our future, that you would not know what to do if you ever lost me.

nightmares

The past two nights, my dreams have been filled with nightmares that all revolve around a vengeful Mother Nature. Two nights ago, I dreamt I was back in Cape Cod with the W girls, except the flat expanse of endless beach resembled the Bahamas. The girls were exploring the fine sand while I was (of course) taking pictures of a wall of sea-green tide. Somehow, it had swelled up to the size of a 3-story cliff, and without warning, began to crash down on all three of us. We survived it but the fear I felt as I realized in the dream that it was going to come down was overwhelming, and very, very real.

Then last night, I dreamt I was at home, except somehow our house had turned into a Southern-style ranch with a large front porch. The weather forecast had said it was going to rain, but I was looking towards the door where bright sunlight streamed through and felt confused. All of a sudden, it was as if someone shut off the sun – dark clouds rolled in, and strong gusts of wind began tearing down street lights, electrical wires, and the roof over the front porch. My parents and I watched in horror as I asked them what would happen if the roof ripped off, as it surely seemed that way from how the wind was attacking everything else around us.

I wonder what this all means.

slow down

I don’t know if it’s because things at home are a bit rough or I just don’t have time to spend with friends or even myself, but I’ve been feeling anxious to grow up and have a (more) stable life. And be married. Well, not married, but not living with my parents. I guess I’m confused as to why I want to grow up so fast these days and already settle down. Escapism? Somebody please share with me how I can better enjoy my 20s with little-to-no time on weekdays, with very few friends in town and a boyfriend a 5-hour busride away. I just want to spend my days working, and my nights and weekends just relaxing with him and a puppy, reading, going antiquing, taking daytrips, visiting small markets. 

Basically, I wish I could fast-forward a few years – and really, when I think about it, that’s no way to live – to wish you could skip the present. These days I’m just existing, but I want to live and enjoy the time I have right now, no matter how bland it may be or how trapped I may feel.

design on the mind

The main thought that’s been frustrating me for the past year is how I know I have the passion and perhaps raw talent for design, but without the classical training, I’m not sure how to get to where I want to be. I’m not sure if simply having the passion and great appreciation for a certain artistic discipline is enough to propel me far enough to be able to do it as a profession.

I DO know that photography is one of my favorite hobbies as of yet, and I’m becoming increasingly obsessed with interior design. Maybe I just want my own place

To end: Norma Kamali’s package design = ORGASM. The entire line is on the expensive side for me, but once I get my own place, I’d love to just have an all-white and neutrals bathroom with a few of her bath products on a bare countertop. Lovely.

big aspirations

I hope to someday be a wife and mother working a full-time (creative) job yet also be able to maintain one or several creative outlet(s) that I can really throw myself into. Creation, to me, is life-giving and I am hoping that will happen for me soon at the professional level.

thoughts

I stick to small notepads because I fear not filling up an entire large page.

Often, I question how honest and truthful my experiences of God have been. Holding onto my moments of clarity are becoming like grasping at a fading dream, moments after waking up. Could it just have been hormone imbalance?

I’m grateful for sunlight to illuminate the day and for water… to wash away the nasty fish smell of the Soho streets.

Day 2 begins. “Watch out, fresh meat coming through!”