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A few months ago, I stumbled upon tumblr.com and loved the interface of the ‘Silo’ theme (by paulgiacherio) so much I considered setting up an account  just so I could view my posts in neat 3×3 boxes. I wasn’t sure what to post about since I’ve started and abandoned so many blogs before, but I figured since wordpress was my (angry) outlet, tumblr should be something more positive.

So I chose ‘citrongreige‘ as my username since my favorite colors right now are citron and grey (in French, because it’s my favorite language and also one of the most beautiful Balenciaga colors ever), and just started posting random photos, quotes and design-related objets d’art that I enjoyed. Tumblr’s interface, which lets me post in just a few swift steps, worked so well for me that I didn’t notice my growing absence from here. But I’ve realized that in focusing my attention on the good, the happy, the beautiful – my mood, energy, and general outlook has been so much more positive in the past few weeks. It’s been such a noticeable difference which is strange why I haven’t noticed it until now, in retrospect. But I guess things are always that way, looking back with 20-20 vision.

This space can never be the same as citrongreige [since I actually write about real life and real life is not always "beer and skittles" (quote from Ann's mom... hahaha)], but I’m trying to make a real effort to lay low on the anger and ranting. Baby steps, right?

A quote now, from Oscar Wilde – the one that actually inspired the mood I wanted to set on citrongreige from the start:

“One should sympathize with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life’s sores the better.”

smells of adulthood

When I was younger, my mother would come home and my brother and I would rush down the stairs to greet her. As she walked through the door, especially in the wintertime, a cold gust of air would blow in and carry her scent along, too. The smell was a faint mix of fur from her mink coat, leather, and a cool sweetness which I came to associate with the city over time. I remember I would peek into her handbag, curious to see just what important items a working woman carried so I might be equally prepared for the professional world when my time came. Everything seemed so grown-up: a worn leather wallet, reading glasses, her work ID, a copy of the Chinese World newspaper, and cough drops among the crumpled (but clean) tissues littering the bottom of the bag.

As Justin greeted me with a hug as I walked into his house on Tuesday, fresh from the city, I must’ve carried its smells with me, too. It was a few months late, but the realization that I’m a tax-paying young urban professional (yuppie, hah) finally hit me – time somehow passed in the blink of an eye. I’ve grown up, graduated college, and my parents are older now and closer to retirement. My mother no longer works full-time in the city, but the stress from her last job relegated her to being mostly a house wife and a part-time Chinese teacher in Long Island. She groans after bending down for too long due to her weak joints, squints at menus in restaurants for several minutes before grudgingly pulling out her reading glasses, and sometimes dons a pseudo-cast for her arthritis-ridden hand.

As much as I have been itching to move out and have my own life, perhaps choosing to be independent at this point in time would be a poor choice. After four years of teenage angst and four years away in Boston, it seems foolish not to take the time to spend more time with my parents, especially now that things between us have calmed down. It pains me to face the fact that they are in their 50s, health problems and all, yet still working as hard as they did years ago to secure my brother and my future that we might enjoy our youth instead of slaving to escape poverty.

To close, I think it’s incredibly interesting that the rough segue to my relationship with my parents caused by my subconcious feelings of regret, nostalgia and sadness was triggered simply by one of the five senses.

I want to end on a happier note, so here is a snippet from our dinner conversation this week. I submitted to Mydadisafob.com, but I can’t be sure if it’ll make the cut. Here it is, anyway:

At the dinner table…
Dad: You know, I was thinking today about all my accomplishments. I have two kids, two cars, two houses… but only one wife! (hearty laughter)
Mom: (no laughter, raises an eyebrow.)

Oh, daddy… pretty sure that solidifies my belief that Asian dads are a different species of man, altogether.

generations

Because the boy is in Hawaii, most of my time this holiday season has been spent with my parents. And it’s been oddly refreshing… We visited the brother in Philly on Christmas day and had the chance to see his new place, an old cigar factory-turned-loft and I got to finally meet Charlie He’s a very shy but sweet cat who loves playing with a red shoelace.

Anyway, what I want to remember for the upcoming year is how blessed I am to have been born into my family, with an admirable brother who is following in the footsteps of my very hardworking parents. I was just in the kitchen talking to them, asking them about how 401ks work and housing mortgages, and that of course led to another conversation about how hard they had to work during their youth to secure two homes, pay off my brother and my college educations without financial aid, for my mother to be retired at 50, and for their bi-annual vacations including cruises to the Mediterranean, etc.

I can understand why they look at the way I spend money and get so frustrated; I seem to always forget that they had to struggle through grad school with the language barrier and also hold a side job to pay for continuing their education. And two years out, they saved enough for the downpayment on the old Elmhurst house – much like what my brother is doing now.

More than anything, I’M frustrated with myself. It’s unclear to me how or when material things became so ‘necessary’ to me, but I’m hoping to change that slowly. It’s true that my only expenses right now are leisurely / frivolous ones; my lunches are paid for and technically, so is my rent – so for 2009, I must monitor exactly where my money is going & continually evaluate / re-evaluate if my purchases are for things that will build myself and my family a better life.

2009 Resolutions, 3 days early:
01. Save money & make smart purchases, start tithing!
02. Walk with God, fellowship?
03. Be good to the rents, maybe a monthly dinner out.
04. Less anger.
05. Be a good steward of my position at work (this one, is of course, from the brother).

new: 3 objectives

My motivation, my fuel, my drive:
+ earn a promotion / raise
+ earn P’s trust
+ earn a Prada bag (DON’T ASK. The explanation is ridiculous.)

sexy and wanted

AG sent the official offer letter today, but then two other companies also called me to discuss open positions as well. I feel so sexy and wanted!

Now, to make the most of these last 7 days of unemployment bliss