who

It’s during arguments with him that I can see how selfish, self-absorbed, petty, immature and spiteful I can be and I hate it. I think the amount of self-hate I feel in those moments only worsens things.

I’d love to be the totally chill girl with the tomboy attitude, who lets things go easily, maintains a cool temper and shrugs things off. But I’m not, and I never will be. I will over-analyze every last detail to the death, and I do this is because I need to know the truth for myself and believe it before I can begin to move on at all.

Most of all, I need to believe that you love me as much as I love you, that you think about holding my waist as often as I miss nuzzling your cheek, that you anticipate time with me as much as I daydream about our future, that you would not know what to do if you ever lost me.

it’s all coming together

Work is work, the boyfriend is finishing up this semester soon (and will hopefully have a good review), things with the parents are back to normal (my mom’s nagging is so minimal its unbelievable), the 3-hour-a-day commute has become routine, and somehow, even my house feels warmer now (truly mindblowing). If only I could get back on track with God (seriously), find decently-priced black boots, and lose 10 pounds (i’m starting to hate the subtle belly i have), life would be divine. I mean, things COULD be ideal but now is not the time to complain given the fact that the economy’s not doing well, I have a roof above my head and a job, my health and youth, family and friends.

I haven’t heard from Augustina in a looong time, ever since I sent her that package I wonder what’s up with that? I hope she’s healthy and doing well…

Seriously though, about the getting back on track with God thing.

slow down

I don’t know if it’s because things at home are a bit rough or I just don’t have time to spend with friends or even myself, but I’ve been feeling anxious to grow up and have a (more) stable life. And be married. Well, not married, but not living with my parents. I guess I’m confused as to why I want to grow up so fast these days and already settle down. Escapism? Somebody please share with me how I can better enjoy my 20s with little-to-no time on weekdays, with very few friends in town and a boyfriend a 5-hour busride away. I just want to spend my days working, and my nights and weekends just relaxing with him and a puppy, reading, going antiquing, taking daytrips, visiting small markets. 

Basically, I wish I could fast-forward a few years – and really, when I think about it, that’s no way to live – to wish you could skip the present. These days I’m just existing, but I want to live and enjoy the time I have right now, no matter how bland it may be or how trapped I may feel.

talking it out

I’m slowly getting better at it.

Me, with mock fear: “Where are you taking me?
The Boy: “I am taking you to my lair!”

Tomorrow = a new haircut, a new position, a new building.