newsweek

S told me I was in Newsweek this morning, while we were getting our coffee. 

Hah… I pretended not to know because it really isn’t that big of a deal, and I could be replaced at any given moment.

I’m just going to enjoy this while it lasts, and work on 40C in between.

burned out

11-hour days this entire week, on top of the 3-hour commute has caused the random waterworks to start up again. Surprisingly, he gave me huge praise today, saying I have “great work ethic”, I’m “so right to be here”, and he never has to worry about me. However, this was after he reminded me of a little snafu yesterday – I started tearing up just because I really have gotten very little sleep, and also out of relief somewhat because I’ve become so subconsciously worried about being laid off. I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself to do everything flawlessly, stressing out at the tiniest mishaps because the culture of stringent perfection that surrounds me every day leaves me feeling inadequate and undervalued.

Well I guess for now, I’m content, just really exhausted. Japanese ramen and Coraline tonight with C makes this Friday that much sweeter.

generations

Because the boy is in Hawaii, most of my time this holiday season has been spent with my parents. And it’s been oddly refreshing… We visited the brother in Philly on Christmas day and had the chance to see his new place, an old cigar factory-turned-loft and I got to finally meet Charlie He’s a very shy but sweet cat who loves playing with a red shoelace.

Anyway, what I want to remember for the upcoming year is how blessed I am to have been born into my family, with an admirable brother who is following in the footsteps of my very hardworking parents. I was just in the kitchen talking to them, asking them about how 401ks work and housing mortgages, and that of course led to another conversation about how hard they had to work during their youth to secure two homes, pay off my brother and my college educations without financial aid, for my mother to be retired at 50, and for their bi-annual vacations including cruises to the Mediterranean, etc.

I can understand why they look at the way I spend money and get so frustrated; I seem to always forget that they had to struggle through grad school with the language barrier and also hold a side job to pay for continuing their education. And two years out, they saved enough for the downpayment on the old Elmhurst house – much like what my brother is doing now.

More than anything, I’M frustrated with myself. It’s unclear to me how or when material things became so ‘necessary’ to me, but I’m hoping to change that slowly. It’s true that my only expenses right now are leisurely / frivolous ones; my lunches are paid for and technically, so is my rent – so for 2009, I must monitor exactly where my money is going & continually evaluate / re-evaluate if my purchases are for things that will build myself and my family a better life.

2009 Resolutions, 3 days early:
01. Save money & make smart purchases, start tithing!
02. Walk with God, fellowship?
03. Be good to the rents, maybe a monthly dinner out.
04. Less anger.
05. Be a good steward of my position at work (this one, is of course, from the brother).

slow down

I don’t know if it’s because things at home are a bit rough or I just don’t have time to spend with friends or even myself, but I’ve been feeling anxious to grow up and have a (more) stable life. And be married. Well, not married, but not living with my parents. I guess I’m confused as to why I want to grow up so fast these days and already settle down. Escapism? Somebody please share with me how I can better enjoy my 20s with little-to-no time on weekdays, with very few friends in town and a boyfriend a 5-hour busride away. I just want to spend my days working, and my nights and weekends just relaxing with him and a puppy, reading, going antiquing, taking daytrips, visiting small markets. 

Basically, I wish I could fast-forward a few years – and really, when I think about it, that’s no way to live – to wish you could skip the present. These days I’m just existing, but I want to live and enjoy the time I have right now, no matter how bland it may be or how trapped I may feel.

fashion is pain

My new Prada glasses garnered many compliments, but alas, they severely limit my peripheral vision. Especially because I am lacking in the nose bridge department. So I may need to make yet another trip through Commute Hell (read: Flushing) to fix that.

On a fashiony-related note, I’m starting to think that maybe I’d like to be the next RM or LM. That would be incredibly fun and creative and stimulating! And CHALLENGING! What a change that would be. What. A. Change. But really, I think it would be so great to just drown in leather swatches, design hardware with beautiful contours, and market a line. What I would do for the funds to be able to invest in a creative hobby and turn it into my life’s work…

design on the mind

The main thought that’s been frustrating me for the past year is how I know I have the passion and perhaps raw talent for design, but without the classical training, I’m not sure how to get to where I want to be. I’m not sure if simply having the passion and great appreciation for a certain artistic discipline is enough to propel me far enough to be able to do it as a profession.

I DO know that photography is one of my favorite hobbies as of yet, and I’m becoming increasingly obsessed with interior design. Maybe I just want my own place

To end: Norma Kamali’s package design = ORGASM. The entire line is on the expensive side for me, but once I get my own place, I’d love to just have an all-white and neutrals bathroom with a few of her bath products on a bare countertop. Lovely.

big aspirations

I hope to someday be a wife and mother working a full-time (creative) job yet also be able to maintain one or several creative outlet(s) that I can really throw myself into. Creation, to me, is life-giving and I am hoping that will happen for me soon at the professional level.